Gone
by Andy0001z
Summary: The boys find a ship with a communication device that can send hologram light to any destination, namely earth. Lister wants to know what has happended to the human race, but Rimmer is not so sure.
1. Carrier Pigeon

**New story new adventure. Dedicated to those who need to travel a long way right now but are stuck away from love ones and home due to the Volcano duct of April 2010.**

**Additional : Cardinal sin as I got a key Red Dwarf Rimmer fact wrong. As pointed out to me by Caz, Rimmer was born on Io not Titan. How I will live this mistake I will never know (seconds pass) Forgotten! :)**

Chapter 1 – The Derelict

Kryten swept the psi-scanner in front of him as he, Lister and Rimmer slowly walked down the cold corridor. Bits of cable hung from the ceiling while a damp mist flowed around their ankles.

Rimmer lent forward and whispered. "Anything?"

Kryten shook his head and the three continued on into the gloom.

It had been three weeks since they had first spotted the Delta-seven craft on long range scanners and since that first day they had made every effort to determine if she was stable and safe to board. Early scans and hails had produced very little, it seemed the ship was held in some sort of orbit around a giant planet that was blocking any attempts they made to discover what or who owned the ship or indeed if anyone was still alive down there and so here they where deep in the unknown.

The small scanner started to beep, in the silence of the ship it seemed impossibly loud.

"Why is it making that noise?" asked Rimmer nervously.

Kryten looked down at the small screen. "It seems there is a power surge operating in this area."

"Power surge, I knew it, I knew I should of not come, didn't I say that I had my monthly button audit to do. Lister you gimboid, why did you make me come."

Lister turned to see Rimmer wide eyed with fear. "Listen man, nobody made anybody come, you know the deal it was your turn, clam down and let's see what's going on."

Kryten had stopped sweeping the device he was holding. "Well, whatever it is, it's behind that door." He said pointing it towards a nearby door.

"OK guys you know the drill, I'll go first and you follow, and for smeg sake nobody make any sudden moves, the last time we tried this I ripped a smegging hole in the side of the ship." Said Lister holding the basokiod.

Rimmer gulped and watched as Lister placed his hand on the door release and pressed down.

_Wooosh! _Went the door as a release of air escaped from the room sending Listers dread locks flying backwards.

Lister stepped gingerly into the dimly lit room. "Hello?" he said.

No reply.

He tried again. "Any one home?"

Still nothing.

"Kryten man, can I have some light on the subject man?" asked Lister.

Kryten clicked his right index finger and flipped down the end segment. A small light shone out from the end of his finger.

"Cheers. Point it over here man." Said Lister who had walked over to an array of terminals.

Rimmer still stood at the door and waited nervously as the two others inspected the room. He nearly jumped out of his skin when the door whooshed closed behind him. He decided it was safer to sick closer to the others and joined Lister.

"What you reckon they are Kryten, looks pretty nifty to me." Said Lister eyeing up the computers.

"Indeed it does, these are far beyond any computer technology I have ever seen sir. I suspect this craft is very advanced indeed." Said Kryten.

"Well fantastic, more computers, only not just any computers but nice future shiny ones. What about the supplies we very much need, huh?." Said Rimmer.

Lister turned to Rimmer. "Listen, these might be important there might be tech here that can get us back to earth, or even make you human again. Actually scrub that, I don't thing anything could make you human again Rimmer."

"Oh ha bloody ha Lister, some of us have more important things to be doing today thank you." Said Rimmer folding his arms.

"What counting buttons, Rimmer you smeghead."

Kryten had actived one of the terminals and was reading the onscreen text. "Most fascinating."

"Wait don't tell me it's got a super socket interface and you are compatible, I'm so happy for you Kryten, I am sure you both will be very happy." Said Rimmer sarcastically.

"Ignore him man, what you found?" asked Lister.

"Well according to this, we are in the mail room." Began Kryten.

"Oh just fantastic, I needed to update my subscription to telegraph monthly." Butted in Rimmer.

"Rimmer!" glared Lister.

"Well it seems who ever owned this ship had a communication system far in advance of our own. They developed a way of transmitting light beyond the speeds of the known universes. In effect being able to send messages back to earth in an instant even when deep in outer space." Finished Kryten.

"What, so they could send video messages back and like." Asked Lister.

"Far better than that sir. The system was capable of transmitting the light from a hologram from one spot to another. In effect any crew member could use a hologram projection of themselves and in one flick of the switch they could be standing back on earth." Said Kryten sounding impressed.

"What so we can't use it to get us back to earth then?" questioned Lister.

"Not unless we all want to be like Mr Rimmer sir." Said Kryten looking at Rimmer.

"Hang on a sec." said Rimmer looking worried.

"I know where your going with this and you can forget it, I am not using some wiz bang device to send my light across the universe."

"But sir, the records show it is quite safe and it would allow us to determine if there was even an earth to return to. Just think you could meet the human race and find out if they evolved into some fantastic race." Said Kryten.

"If Lister here is anything to go by I don't hold out much hope Kryten, and anyway how would I get back?"

Kryten returned to the screen. "Well let's see, arrhh yes here it is. It seems the system is fitted with an automatic recall feature, we simple set the time and bingo bobs your auntie and you return."

Lister looked hopefully at Rimmer. "Come on man, you could find out what happened to Earth."

Rimmer shook his head. "No way, sorry but this hologram is not going anywhere. Now let's get some loot and skedaddle."

"Come on man, this is a chance for one of us to travel home." Said Lister.

"It's not my home Lister, remember I was born on Io." Said Rimmer.

Lister held up his hands. "OK, OK you're right it's far too dangerous, let's go."

* * *

Back on Red Dwarf Lister could not help but wonder what if. What if they could find out what had happened to Earth, to his home, didn't he have a right to know. He lent over the bunk and looked at the still figure of Rimmer lying on the bunk below and made a choice.

He jumped down, and cursed his heavy boots had they made contact with the hard floor, but Rimmer didn't stir. He made his way to the drive room, and once inside he called Holly.

"Holly man I need to know what happened to Earth." Said Lister sitting at one of the consoles hit boots resting on the table top.

"From what Kryten tells me it seems your knackered mate. If Rimmer won't go then you will just have to go back to the old and trusted method of finding these things out." Said Holly.

"Which is?" asked Lister

"I always read the stars in the back of the paper, that tend to work for me." Said Holly.

"You what? There a load of nonsense Holly, they never come true, do they?." Asked Lister sound sceptical.

"Oh no, never, but it makes me feel better that one day I will meet a tall handsome stranger and find a surprising twist to my day." Said Holly looking distant.

"Oh right, well I want to know, so can you give me access to Rimmers light bee please Hol."

"Sure, but why?" asked Holly.

Lister grinned. "I'm going to send Rimmer on a little mission."

* * *

Kryten looked over at Lister. "Sir are you absolutely sure you want to do this?"

Lister held Rimmers small light bee in his right hand. He and Kryten had collected it from his quarters and returned to the derelict ship and the communications room.

"Yeah, I need to know Kryten and Rimmer here is going to be my carrier pigeon." Said Lister plugging the small light bee into the devices interface.

"OK, but when he gets back I am going on an extended broom cupboard holiday." Said Kryten firing up the post program.

"OK, destination Earth, time to receipt estimated at 12 minutes and auto recall set at 30 minutes, that should be enough time for Mr Rimmer to gather info and return." Said Kryten hitting the enter key. Just as he did so, a small squeaky voice emitted from the light bee.

"Hey, what's going on, where am I." said Rimmer.

"Look I'm sorry man, I need to know, Kryten if you would do the honours." Said Lister holding his hands to his lips in mock prey.

"What! Lister what are you talking about?" Said Rimmer more urgently.

"Here goes, good luck Mr Rimmer." Said Kryten before hitting the transmit key.

Rimmers world changed. One minute he felt small and round but now he was aghast at what he saw. Worlds, stars galaxies streamed by and then he knew, he knew what Lister had done and inside the light be his voice screamed.

'_LISTER YOU TOTAL AND UTTER GIT!!'_


	2. Super Nova

**Hi readers, one key face in this story is important, you need to forget about the books version of what happens to the Earth, OK.**

Chapter 2 – Super Nova

Rimmer stopped screaming, he didn't really know why he was anymore. It didn't hurt and if anything it was kind of fun. However, he was still mad at Lister, but even this slipped away as the wonder of the universe unfolded around him. It seemed impossible that he could travel so far and so fast. As quickly has he seen one star or planet come into view it was gone. He guessed that he had been travelling for only a short time and wondered how long it would take to reach his destination, he was about to find out.

Just as quickly as he had accelerated he stopped. His normal form was returned to him and he stood inside a room not to dissimilar to the one he had just left. He began his full double arm Rimmer salute but soon realised he was alone. He looked about, no one looked home. '_Great I travel over three million light years and no ones home!'_thought Rimmer.

"Hello, anyone there?" he called but only the faint echo of his nasally tone returned.

He walked over to the door and before he even pressed the release it slid open. He peered out and decided it was safe to investigate, at least for now.

Further down the corridor he came across a large glass window to open space. He glanced out at the stars and squinted at the big white ball that was the sun. However even to this failed astro navigation exam sitter, Rimmer knew something about the sun didn't look right. It looked smaller than he remembered. True Io was a long way from Earth but it should have been bigger, he was sure of that. If Kryten had been right this was his systems sun, when he left it was massive, every time you left space dock it was there. He looked out again searching the vista, but then realised that something else was a miss. '_Were the smeg was the Earth?'_

He strained to see beyond the confines of the window but still he saw no sign. '_Hang on a sec, of course, it's on the other side of the ship.'_ He thought and left the window to continue down the corridor hoping to find another window on the other side to confirm his theory.

No windows later he came across a large room with a sign above the door.

'Greetings traveller to Earth space'

'_Funny.'_Thought Rimmer, why not say welcome to earth. He walked under the sign and into the room. A row of chairs were laid out in a cinema fashion and in front of them a screen stood blank. As he approached the chairs and a voice called out from some hidden speaker system.

'Welcome to earth space, please take a seat and wait for the short presentation to begin and concerns or questions you might have will hopefully be answered soon.' Said the low monotone of the automated message.

Rimmer shuffled over to the nearest chair and sat down. Almost at once the screen flared into life and a short film began. A huge image of Earth filmed from space filled the screen and the intro began.

'Earth, home to man and woman kind for millions of years. We have searched the stars for eons and no other planet has been found with such rich life. Truly our home planet is like no other and we must save it….'

'_Save it, that doesn't sound good.'_Thought Rimmer

'…that is why plan tow-away was put into action. In the year 4560 we found out that our sun was dieing and there was little hope that it would continue to support life on our planet. Since we had determined that life outside the earth was pretty much a no show we have decided to take the Earth with us on a mission to a new sun in a new Galaxy.'

"WHAT that's impossible!" snorted Rimmer.

The voice continued now showing a scene with what looked like a huge metal frame that had surrounded the earth and as he watched hundreds of thousands of engines had begun to flare into life.

"Dear traveller, we have left this station as a beacon so that any deep space vessels returning will know what happened and how to find us. You should be in little danger unless the sun of course has reached its critical stage and is about to go super nova..."

Rimmer gulped at this statement, he racked his slow mind, thinking of his basic science classes at school, how did he know when it was going super nova, what did it look like?

The voice continued.

"The station will alert you to this situation and therefore allow you time to make your final preparations before certain death. Once again we welcome you to Earth space and hope you enjoy your time here."

The voice finished and the video began to show a series of images from Earths vistas while playing some gentle music.

Rimmer sighed, he had not wanted to travel to here but now that he was here he was disappointed, for one what was he going to tell Lister. "Hey Listy, you know your home world, its moved." How the smeg would that sound.

He moved to the edge of the room where a series of computer screens displayed information on the system, he scanned down them not really taking in much notice but stopped when he reached the one on the suns critical mass.

Sol, Sun : Critical mass = 8.9 x Earths mass

Rimmer thought hard '_hang on a sec that didn't sound right, should it not of been that heavy.'_

Rimmer didn't have time to ponder the fact any longer as he became aware that the room was fading. '_Now what!_' thought Rimmer irritably?

* * *

Rimmer popped back into existence aboard the Delta-Seven. His eyes slowly adjusted to the gloom around him and soon he saw the familiar grin of David Lister.

"Lister you total and utter git, what the smeg did you do that for. I could have been in real danger." Said Rimmer glaring at Lister.

"Yeah, but you weren't or rather haven't been have you, because you're back and OK right?" said Lister excitedly.

"Yes no thanks to you!" said Rimmer.

Lister looked impatiently at Rimmer. "Well?" he asked.

"Well what?" returned Rimmer.

"Well is there still a kebabie on the corner of Edgware Road?" asked Lister.

"What? Lister I travelled god knows how many billion of light miles and you want to know if you can still get hold of a meal made up of mangy horse meat." Said Rimmer.

"Well, it doesn't have to be that one, it could be anyone really, Its just been 3 million years since I have had a decent kebab." Sighed Lister.

"Well I'm sorry to tell you there are no Kebabies." Said Rimmer glaring at him.

"What none where you went, or none as in no more ever." Said the shocked looking Lister.

"Lister, I don't really care about your smegging kebab, what I am going to tell you is far more important." Said Rimmer flaring is nostrils at his distaste for Listers petty enquiry.

The room went silent, Lister looked at him his big eyes clearly waiting for news. Then before Rimmer could continue Kryten spoke.

"It's moved!" he said having read some of the onscreen report.

Rimmer span around and glared at Kryten, daggers shooting from his eyes. "Thank you captain bog bot, for once again delivering key sole destroying news."

Kryten looked guilty. "But sir, isn't that what you where about to say?"

Rimmer looked pained. "Well yes, but I was going to do it differently." He said thinking to himself that he was going to spin this out for weeks, making Lister guess and driving him bonkers. What else was there to do around here?

"What do you mean moved?" questioned Lister.

"It's gone Listy, moved, packed its bags and waved goodbye to the solar system." Said Rimmer waving goodbye to one fist as he moved it away from his waving hand to illustrate.

"It can't just go, can it?" he asked.

"According to this data file that was attached to the returned Mr Rimmer the Earth was moved to save it from the dieing sun." said Kryten.

"Where?" asked Lister.

Kryten speed scanned the file, his head wildly moving back and fourth. "Arrhh here we are, to sector 576455632456533567 A 334566422445565 B." finished Kryten.

"Where the smeg is that, it sounds a long way away." Said Lister sounding disappointed once more.

"I am not sure, but according to the computer it should be possible to make a holo connection to the new Earth location." Said Kryten looking up from the file.

"Oh no you don't Lister, I am not going on any more light travel adventures today matey." Said Rimmer backing away.

"Come on man, it's safe, you were fine weren't you?" asked Lister.

"Safe! You call beaming in to an unknown location and finding god knows what at the other end, if indeed there is another end this time. The last trip took me back to a sun that was going to go super nova." Asserted Rimmer.

"Oh." Said Lister.

"Oh indeedee." Replied Rimmer then walking over to stand in front of Lister he said. "Look Listy, I know how much this means to you, but who knows what we would find and if they or whoever would even want to know David Lister anymore."

With that Rimmer walked out and returned to Red Dwarf leaving Lister looking at Kryten.

"Kryten, you said that the crew of this ship could transfer using this system, they can't have all been dead, it's not a Holo ship right?" said Lister.

"Quite so sir, if it was we would not be standing here. Let me see." Kryten tapped at the screen and after a few moments looked up.

"I believe they used a mind link to a remote hologram project system. Thereby making it possible for them to travel using the system to see distant family or attend important briefings." Said Kryten who watched the expression on Listers face change to a grin as he broke the news.

"Oh know sir, we have no idea if it still works, it might lobotomise you or at worse kill you." Said Kryten looking worried.

"Kryten, I need to know, this might be my only way of finding out what happened to my home." Pleaded Lister.

"Sir, you realise this might not work." Said Kryten.

"And do you realise this might be the first kebab I have smelt in 3 million years." Drooled Lister.

"I must protest sir, it is fool hardy to attempt this." Said Kryten.

"Call me captain fool and hook me up Kryters, this smeggers going home." Said Lister excitedly rubbing his hands together.

**For the science buffs out there, yes I know our sun is more likely to run into a Red Giant than go super nova but that does not really sound as bad, so I have used that fan fic writers licence here.**

**Next time: Lister goes back to earth, only it's not all as future tech and strangely evolved people as he expected.**


	3. Earth

**Wow this chapter really did spew from my mind. I hope you like where this story is going. Reviews very welcome.**

Chapter 3 – Return to Earth

Lister, Rimmer, the Cat and Kryten stood in a semi circle around the terminals on board the Delta-Seven. Since Kryten had told Lister about the how he might travel back to earth Lister had told Rimmer and the Cat of his intentions and they had come round to his level of curiosity and agreed to go along. Holly had convinced Kryten that he could monitor the link from this end and thus allow him to travel with the group.

So here they where, the four of them looking at each other wondering if this was going to work and if it would really take them back to Earth, and what an Earth, 3 million years after Lister last saw it.

"Ready?" asked Kryten putting the mind scan device on his head.

Each of the three others nodded, each wearing the same silver band across their foreheads.

"OK, good luck everybody." Said Kryten as he keyed in the coordinates and pressed the transmit key.

Lister felt as strange tingling sensation then a burst of light as he found himself flung out of the room and travelling through space as Rimmer had done before. He had no idea if the others followed but right now didn't much care.

* * *

Earth 22th century somewhere in central London a phone box starts to ring. The receiver flies out from its resting place and faces away from the box. From the ear piece a stream of light streams out and takes shape as the body of a grown man.

Lister stumbles forward his face in his hands. "Boy what a rush."

He is quickly followed by Rimmer, Cat and Kryten.

"Sir are you OK?" asked Kryten.

"Yes, thank god Kryten." Replies Rimmer quickly.

Kryten walks over to Lister and touches him lightly on the back, Lister is still bent forward. "I was addressing Mr Lister."

"Oh right, of course." Said Rimmer starting to look around at the scene before him.

"Yeah man, I'm fine, where are we?" replies Lister also looking around.

"Some sort of alleyway I in a city by the look of it." Replied Rimmer.

"What, Earth, we are actually back on Earth, and look they still have alleyways, god I love alleyways." Said Lister going down to all fours and kissing the ground. Then as he realises what he has just done he looks over his shoulder at Kryten.

"Hang on, I can touch, what's going on?"

"Oh silly me, I forgot to mention, the system has hard light built in. Here you will be able to touch breath and do almost anything a normal human being can." Kryten saw Listers grin and added. "But sir I must warn you, your actually body is still waiting back for you on the Delta-Seven, if we do not return it will die."

"Yeah I know that, but maybe we could go find some locals to bond with, huh Cat." Said Lister winking at the Cat.

"I'm with you buddy, but what's that smell." Asked the Cat.

Rimmer had wondered over to a garbage bin and had lifted the tin lid.

"Rimmer man, what you doing?" asked Lister.

Rimmer ignored him and continued on his smelly mission, until at last he pulled out what he was looking for and held it before the others like some holy prize.

"A paper, wicked man, what's the date?" asked Lister.

Rimmer scanned the details and the others watched as his brow turned to a frown.

"What is it man?" asked Lister.

"According to this paper the date is 26th November 2179." Said Rimmer sounding surprised.

"Sir that's impossible according to my calculations that is in the past." Said Kryten going over to examine the paper.

"Well either we have stumbled on an antique news paper pile or we somehow have travelled back in time." Said Rimmer handing the paper to Lister.

Lister scanned the date, he could not believe it. Not only was he back on earth but he was back on earth on the day of his 24th Birthday.

The look on Listers face told the others something was up, the Cat turned to him.

"Hey what's up Bud, you look more shocked than that time goal post here found his prize swimming certificate floating in the bath tub." Stated the Cat.

"It's my birthday." Replied Lister simply.

"Your birthday, why didn't you say bud, you know I would have not got you anything right." Asked the Cat taking a small hologram comb out of his pocket and preening his hair.

Rimmer looked at him with a puzzled expression. "Your birthday, it's not your Birthday for another six months, I know because that's when you have your annual bath."

"I know, but not on Red Dwarf, here, the date is my 24th Birthday man. This is the day I ended up getting smashed and woke up on Mimas." Said Lister putting the paper down.

"Oh that day, yes I remember you telling me something about a pink hat and yellow fishing waders, very amusing." Said Rimmer chuckling to himself.

Lister looked up excitedly." Don't you see, this is a second chance, If I can stop me getting hammered today and ending up on that flight I can stop me joining the space core."

"Sir, I hate to remind you but the laws of causality have already played out, there is a good chance that even if you do succeed in stopping your younger self you will still end up in the core." Said Kryten.

"Yeah, and how are we going to find you dude, I mean you could be anywhere?" said the Cat.

"I know where I am, we played a drinking game, we were attempting to drink the monopoly board." Said Lister thinking back.

"You what, didn't they have glasses back then." Asked the Cat sounding confused at the notion of drinking from a board game.

"No, you follow the street names on the board, stopping to drink at each of the locations. It was a right laugh, well up and till those smeggers put me on a ship to Mimas that is." Said Lister.

"Kryten, how long have we got?" asked Lister.

"Err less than 2 hours sir, I was not sure how long we should stay. Is it enough?" asked Kryten looking concerned.

"It'll have to be." Said Lister making for the entrance to the ally. "You coming?" he said turning to the others still standing still.

Each had a look of reflection on there face, Kryten was the first to speak.

"Sir, say if you do succeed, then I will probably not get rescued from the Nova five or learn all those wonderful things you have taught me and what about Mr Cat. With out you to smuggle his great great great grandmother on board Red Dwarf he will cease to exist."

"Cease to exist, that does not sound good! The universe needs my style, good looks and general wonderfulness. So I'm not going anywhere budd."

Lister turned to Rimmer. "Come on man you understand don't you."

Rimmer looked at Lister, noting the desperation in his face, he had seen that in his own face on the many times when he thought he could save his own skin from the accident that robbed him of his officer hood.

"Lister, I'd love to help, but I have to agree with the Cat." Started Rimmer.

"You do?" replied the Cat almost sounding surprised.

"Yes, see if you don't join the core and survive the accident then there will be no point in Holly bringing me back and I will remain a data trail on a slug in some dusty draw. It's not fun being dead but it's a hell of a lot better than not existing." Finished Rimmer.

"I see." Said Lister looking crest fallen. His shoulders slumped. "I'm sorry guys but I need this." And with that Lister turned and ran from the ally and disappeared.

**Next time: Rimmer, Cat and Kryten go after Lister while Lister searches down his younger self. **


	4. Monopoly Chase

**Hi all, this was such a fun chapter to write. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have writing it, I'm really happy with the idea, I hope it's very classic dwarf. (really hard to get a picture of the board from Google).**

**Well enjoy and thanks for the reviews they keep me going.**

Chapter 4 – Monopoly race

Lister raced out of the ally and 100 yards down the road seeing a side street he turned into and kept going until he reach the end and stopped, he was breathing hard, physical exercise had not been one his schedule today. He looked over his shoulder back down the street and saw with some relief that they had not followed him. He stopped leaning against the wall and noticed the street sign.

'Old Broad St'

He racked his brain straining to remember the board, he knew that name it was near one of the game stops, but which one. He walked out into the busy street and for the first time being here really hit home. People bustled past him going about there daily routine, he just another obstacle in their lives. '_People, real people'_ he thought. He had not seen anyone else since the time he had spent in the Tank, before Red Dwarf was lost and then re-born again. He looked around at the faces in the crowd, old people, young people, kids, he had not seen children for ages. Inside he felt even surer that he was doing the right thing, after all had he not given them the best years of his life.

Finally it came to him, of course Liverpool Street Station. He looked at his watch, smeg it was not set to local time. He looked about for someone to ask and approached a lady with a small baby.

"Excuse me, but do you have the time please?" he asked.

She turned and eyed him up and down then decided he posed little threat and looked at her watch. "It's 11:30am."

Lister could not believe his luck, 11:30 that was when he and the gang would be about to pitch up at the station to start their days fun.

"Err which way is it to Liverpool station please?" he asked the lady.

She pointed and then turned and walked across the street.

"Thanks." Called Lister making his way in the direction of the station.

* * *

Rimmer stood at the end of the ally looking up and down the street there was no sign of Lister. He turned to the other two.

"Well, it's up to us." He said.

"What is?" asked the Cat who was busy counting the number of females that past the ally.

"It's up to us to sabotage Listers attempts at saving himself. It's the only right thing a friend would do." Said Rimmer.

"But sir, you have never considered Lister a friend." Said Kryten.

"All the more reason for us to find him, and stop him. Kryten how long have we got?" asked Rimmer.

"Well, according to my internal timer 1hour 40 minutes and 10 seconds, now 9, now 8." Said Kryten continuing to count down the seconds.

"Kryten! Just the current time will do." Said Rimmer tutting.

"I say we ditch him, and concentrate on all these lovely ladies." Said the Cat grining far to much at a girl who happened to look his way.

Rimmer moved in front of him blocking his view.

"Hey what you do that for goal post head? I was onto something there." Screeched the Cat.

"I don't care you stupid moggy, don't you understand if Lister manages to somehow stop himself from getting bladdered and ending up on Mimas then you will not exist."

The Cat stopped and stared at Rimmer, the very idea of him not existing in the world just did not comprehend to him, but he understood one thing no one was going to make it possible.

"OK, so what's the plan? I say we beam over to where ever the monkey is and grab him then beam back." Said the Cat smiling at his brilliant plan.

"A fine plan sir, with just two small draw backs. One we don't have a device to beam us anywhere and to even if we did we have no idea where Mr Lister is." Said Kryten.

"Well there goes another mighty fine plan." Said the Cat looking crest fallen.

"I know where he might be." Said Rimmer.

"Really sir, how?" asked Kryten.

"Well, I was not much of an original monopoly player, I much preferred the Io version but I did play the London version once on a field trip to London town museum on Io. I distinctly remember it because Tucker Rogers used the box to repeatedly try and ram the little houses into my ears." Said Rimmer wincing at the memory.

He continued. "Well from what I remember there is one place that Lister is bound to have started at, and that is Liverpool Street station." Said Rimmer smugly.

"Really sir, how can you be so sure?" asked Kryten.

"I can't but Lister is from Liverpool and I bet some sense of loyalty from him and his friends means he started there. All we have to do is find it" Said Rimmer.

"I know how about I ask that pretty lady?" grinned the Cat.

Both Rimmer and Kryten replied together.

"NO!"

Rimmer walked across the street and noticed a bus stop with a local map, and he spotted the name. "Hey look here." He said calling to the others.

"Oh well done sir. It looks like we are very close indeed according to this map." Said Kryten.

"Right then lets go." Said the Cat heading off in completely the wrong direction but one that just happened to follow a group of girls.

"OY this way you stupid feline." Shouted Rimmer.

* * *

Lister walked into the huge central space of Liverpool Street Station and looked around for his younger self, seeing no sign of him he decided to go to the first bar and look there.

Lister rounded the corner and memories came flooding back to him. He was 24 again and messing about with his mates as they walked up to the bar.

"_Hey mate, give us 12 pints of larger would you." He heard his younger self say._

_The bloke behind the bar looked at him. "12 are you sure it's only 11:30 you know, and there is only four of you lad."_

"_Yeah we know, it's me birthday you see, and we're celebrating, me and the lads." Said Lister thumbing to his mates who stood grinning at the end of the bar._

_The bar man relented and started lining up the beer._

Lister snapped out his memory and pushed open the door to the pub. Dam that smelt good he thought, old fags and beer with a hint of pork scratchings on the side. He looked the small bar up and down. 12 empty pints stood on the bar top but there was no sign of his younger self.

"Smeg, missed um," said Lister going up to the Bar.

"Execuse me mate." He said to the barman who had his back to him cleaning some glasses with a dirty looking cloth.

He turned and looked at Lister with an eye that said, 'Funny I could swear I just served you a pint but you looked younger.'

"Yes mate." Said the confused barman.

"Did you just see a younger version of me in here drinking this lot." Said Lister pointing to the pints on the bar.

The barman nodded. "Yeah, you I mean they drank up pretty quick and left, said something about the next stop on the board if I recall."

"Cheers man." Said Lister and for the first time in his life he walked away from a bar without ordering a pint.

* * *

Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat stood outside the bar in Liverpool Street Station. There had been no sighting of Lister or his younger self although the Cat had said he was sure that he had smelt Lister, but then with all these females about Rimmer was not sure he could trust the Cats usual reliable nasal radar.

"OK, listen these places can be pretty rough so I think it would be safer for everyone if I wait out here." Said Rimmer.

"Sir, I think we should all go in together." Said Kryten.

"Yeah, if we find him in there we are going to need the three of us to bring that stupid monkey to his senses." Said the Cat still grinning at females who passed by.

"OK. Lets go but I'll do the talking." Said Rimmer to the others who nodded in agreement.

Inside the smell hit Rimmers nostrils and almost made him vomit on the spot, it took all of his strength not to just turn around and leave right then and there. He approached the bar, grinning far to much at the barman.

"Arrhh good land lord, by chance have you seen a small monkey face man by that goes by the name of Lister or Dave today?" asked Rimmer still grinning.

The Bar man eyed Rimmer and the others up who stood behind him also grinning.

"Might have." He shrugged.

Rimmer breathed deeply and instantly regretted it due to the sink. "Listen, have you seen him or not?" he asked still maintaining his grin.

"What's this then, the three grinners club." Smirked the Barman

Rimmer began to loose his patience. "Listen you over weight trumpet up little man have you seen him or not?"

30 Seconds later Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat where standing back out on the pavement.

"What do you think he meant by you can sling your hook? I thought we were looking for Lister not preparing for a fishing trip." Said a puzzled looking Cat.

"I think sir given the his wild gestures and colourful use of the English language he was asking us to leave his establishment. This plus the menacing glare he kept giving you sir." Said Kryten Looking at Rimmer.

"Well we are now truly smegged, I have no idea where Lister will go next." Said Rimmer, residing to his fate.

"I think I can help there sir." Said Kryten pointing to the shop opposite.

They looked at what he was pointing at and Rimmer smiled. "A Toy shop, brilliant. Come on let's find a copy of the board game and work out his next move."

Rimmer and the others crossed the busy street, several cars beeping at them as they made little attempt to follow basic road safety rules. Rimmer simply held out his hand in thanks and waved in a rather grand way to motorists who beeped them.

Inside the store Kryten scanned the directory of floors. "Arhh here it is, we want floor 2, Board Games and bondage."

"Seems a funny combination to have." Said Rimmer.

"Well given what little I know off this time sir, it seems they had some funny customs." Said Kryten making his way to the stairs.

The Cat followed nervously. "Right let's get what we need and go, this place is giving me the creeps. All this little people stuff just isn't natural for a Cat." Said the Cat looking at the huge collection of real world cry and wet baby dolls and range of tiny clothes.

* * *

Lister could not remember the next square or the one after that but new that 2 stops round the board would put them at Mayfair. He decided his best plan was to wait there and approach his younger self.

Lister made his way through the streets still marvelling at the sights and sounds of being back on Earth. He passed a greasy spoon and pressed his face to the window at the people inside noshing down on great big plates of all day breakfasts. His mouth watered, what he wouldn't give for one of them right now, but he had no money, so he just looked on longingly. A large man sitting in the window with far to many teeth missing and a belly that you could have been rented out to the local play school as a trampoline snarled at him. Lister decided it was time to move on.

While he walked he thought about the lack of money situation and an idea came to him. There was a way he could get money, back in this time he was on the doll. If he could find a local doll office he might be able to convince them to give him some money. He stopped and looked around, but where was he going to find one of them. He scanned the crowds and decided to try his luck. A middle aged man sat slumped against the brick wall with a sign on around his neck.

'Bear on Holiday, but I will dance for money'

"Hello mate." Said Lister bending down next to the man.

The man slowly looked up at him and held out his hand to receive a coin.

"Oh, sorry mate, I haven't got a bean, in fact I was hoping you might help me get some dosh." Said Lister.

The man looked crestfallen. "Sorry fella, I don't need a dancing partner, this gig is only good for one."

Lister looked confused then got it. "Oh no, I need some information. Do you know where the local doll office is?"

The mans face brightened at the sound of that word. "Yeah, it's two streets down, make a left then a right and first building on the left. You can't miss it, it's the one with all the windows boarded up."

Lister got up. "Cheers mate, good luck with the dancing."

Someone threw a coin into the mans open hat and Lister watched as he dragged himself to his feet and began to tap dance on the spot.

"Hey, you're not bad." Said Lister watching.

"Thanks." Panted the man.

"Well be seeing yeh." Said Lister following the directions he had been given.

* * *

Rimmer held the scanned copy of the board that Kryten had produced from his on board printer. They had made a swift exit from the store after a store security guard had started to take a sudden interest in them.

While Rimmer looked at the print out a police officer approached them. Rimmer spotted him walking their way over the top of the print and tried to do his best to hide behind the small sheet of paper.

"Smeg, it's the local sheriff, everyone look innocent." He said under his breath.

The three began to whistle and take a sudden interest in the store front window contents.

"Excuse me gents." Said the Policeman.

Rimmer turned to look at the officer. "Morning sheriff, lovely day wouldn't you say." Said Rimmer far to chirpily for his normal voice and sounding just a bit to keen.

"Its sergeant actually sir and yes sir it is. Can I ask if you have a licence for that Mechanoid please?" said the officer pointing to Kryten.

"Licence?" inquired Rimmer.

"Yes sir a licence, all Mechanoids brought into the inner circle of London needs a licence. Didn't you see the signs on your way into town sir?" asked the officer.

Rimmer shook his head. "Nooo."

"Well then, if you would be so kind as to give me your name sir." Asked the officer.

Rimmer panicked this was not going well. He racked his brain trying to work out what to do, but his mouth took over.

"David Lister." Said Rimmer.

"Right Mr Lister, and the unit number of your mech sir." Said the officer tapping in the details to his portable computer.

Rimmer looked to Kryten for help.

"2X4B 523P" said Kryten.

"Thank you." Said the officer as his device produced a small ticket that he placed inside a plastic walled then going over to Kryten and removing the back of the plastic to reveal a sticky pad the officer slapped the ticket onto the back of Krytens head.

"Right you have 20 days to pay the fine, failure to do so will result in the melt down of your unit sir. Have a nice day sir." And with that the officer turned and walked off down the street whistling to himself.

"Smeg, that was a close one." Said Rimmer watching Kryten attempt to peel the ticket from his head.

"Indeed sir, but somehow I feel violated." Said Kryten finally managing to peel the ticket from his head but leaving a sticky mess behind. "Oh that's going to take weeks to shift." He said to himself.

"Never mind, lets get a move on. I suggest we head here" Said Rimmer pointing at the two squares down the board. Given the speed at which Lister drinks I bet you he's already on his way there." Said Rimmer.

With Kryten still picking at the rubbery glue stuck to his head, the three set off.

* * *

Lister walked around the corner and spotted the Holiday Inn Mayfair. '_That's the place.'_ He thought and walked in through the revolving doors.

Inside he was greeted by a man in a long black coat. "Hello sir can I help you?" he said looking Lister up and down.

"Yeah, where is the bar?" asked Lister

"It's not open yet sir, no wait my mistake it's just opened, that way sir." He said pointing to the nearby door.

"Cheers." Said Lister walking over to the door and going through.

Inside it was pretty empty, he found a seat with a good view of the doors and waited.

He didn't have long before he heard the raucous tones of his younger self outside in reception.

"Here, look at this fella with his flappy bits, get him lads." Said the younger Lister.

"Sir, can I help direct you to the nearest football game perhaps." Said the hotel concierge in a sarcastic tone.

"Naaa we are looking for the bar. See we are doing the monopoly pub crawl and this is the next stop." Said Lister.

Something in the fact that the concierge had been asked about his bar by two Liverpudlians in the space of as many minutes made him change his mind. Instead of asking the four gentlemen to leave he pointed to the bar door.

"Cheers mate." Said Lister offering up a high five.

Lister sat on the other side of the doors, what was he going to say, how the smeg was he going to convince himself that he had signed up on a mining ship and was from 3 million years in the future, that sounded absurd to him, let alone to his younger self.

The doors opened and the four men swaggered into the bar and ordered their drinks.

Lister got up and walked over to the group. He stood behind his younger self and tapped his shoulder.

"Hang on mate, all in good time, there is a queue to the bar you know!" said the younger Lister.

Lister changed tact. "Dave Cinzano Bianco Lister." Said Lister.

The younger Lister straightened at hearing his nick name and turned slowly round.

"SMEGGING HELL, you're me only older?" he asked seeing Lister for the first time.

**Next time: Lister has a nice long chat with himself and the others show up to try and spoil Listers plan.**


	5. Lister V Lister

**OK almost there with this story. Lister has found his younger self but can he convince him not to do the one thing Lister is really good at, getting drunk.**

Chapter 5 – Lister v Lister

The young Lister looked Lister up and down. "How old are you, you must be at least 50." He said giving Lister a critical eye.

Lister gave him a dirty look. "Hey steady on there, I may have put on a few pounds but I could still whoop your arse."

The younger Lister smirked. "OK gramps whatever."

"Listen we have to talk." Said Lister.

The younger Lister picked up his drink from the bar and downed it. "Talk my friend is for wimps, we're on a pission." Slurred the younger Lister.

"You mean mission, listen to you, you're already steaming." Said Lister looking disapprovingly at his younger self.

"Oh my word, who put your party candles out granddad!" joked Lister junior.

"Nobody, but there is more at stake than you realise. Come on we need to talk." Said Lister taking the younger version of him by the arm and leading away from the group to a table.

They sat down. "OK talk fast, me and the lads have a lot of drinking to do granddad." Said the younger Lister.

"Stop calling me that, I'm you only slightly older. Anyway if you carry on drinking the board you're going to end up on a ship to Mimas and then wake up on some bench with nothing but some birds passport and a yellow pair of fishing waders. Then you spend six months stealing Hoopers and living in a locker until you sign up with the Spare core joining the mining ship Red Dwarf." Lister stopped and looked at his younger self, who was only half listening.

"What, that's mad man, sounds a right laugh." Said the younger Lister.

Lister sighed, had he always been such a smeghead. "Listen it gets worse there is an accident and we end up three million years later in deep space alone." Said Lister hoping this at least would shock his more carefree younger version.

"Smeg, are there aliens and stuff, hey does that mean we have to re-start the human race?" said the younger Lister sounding hopeful.

That was it; clearly trying to convince him not to carry on with the drinking game was not going to work.

"Listen man, it's important that whatever you do you don't end up in a cab to the space port with these guys OK?"

"Sure thing man, we are not planning an off world drinking session today, we were thinking we might do that at the weekend, my mate Berny works down at the space dock and he reckons he can get us on a ship to Titan, how cool would that be." Said his younger self excitedly.

Lister listened and realised he was not getting through to him, he made one last attempt. "Just remember the accident is going to kill everyone, except you." Said Lister.

"What everybody?" asked the younger Lister.

"Yes everybody, accept you because you went into stasis." Said Lister.

"OK, Statis, whatever granddad." Said the younger Lister getting up and returning to his friends at the bar. There he was clearly in the process of telling them what Lister had said, as several laughs were shared and the odd look his way confirmed this to Lister.

Lister sighed and thought. '_Smegging hell what the smeg am I going to do?'_

* * *

Kryten, Rimmer and the Cat stood outside the Mayfair hotel. "I believe we are here sirs." Confirmed Kryten.

"OK, let's go in." said Rimmer heading towards the door.

As the three walked in the concierge stepped forward. "Good day sirs, can I help you?"

"Certainly, which way to the bar?" asked Rimmer.

The concierge pointed behind him.

The three started to walk towards the door marked Bar but the concierge moved to stop them.

"I'm sorry gents but you two can go in but not the mechaniod, we have a strict policy here." He said pointing to Rimmer and the Cat.

"But, we need him." Said Rimmer.

"Really?" said the man raising his eyebrows in question.

"Yeah, he's my portable ironing service, plus if there is a really high step we use him as a ladder sometimes." Said the Cat grinning.

"Oh really, in that case of course you can go in sirs." He said in a very sarcastic tone. The Cat did not pick up on this and ushered Kryten forward.

"Err sir I think he was in sarcastic mode." Said Kryten.

The concierge grinned.

"Oh right I knew that." Replied the Cat.

Rimmer was about to call this fellow all sorts of nasty names when Kryten spoke.

"It's OK sir, I'll just wait out here, if that's OK with you sir." He said nodding to the concierge.

"That will be fine." Said the man.

Rimmer moved closer to Kryten. "Kryten as soon as we're in, the Cat and I will open one of the windows and you can hop in that way. OK?" he finished winking.

"I heard that sir." Said the concierge casually.

"Fine, wait here Kryten, we will be out shortly." Said Rimmer leaving Kryten sat in the corner while he and the Cat entered the Bar.

* * *

Lister had sat there for the last five minutes watching his younger self down pint after pint, and he actually felt slightly sick. Not so much from watching all the beer disappear but the fact that he realised he was such a smeghead. He was not going to listen to his own advice.

Rimmer and the Cat walked in and saw Lister sat at a table.

"There you are Listy." Said Rimmer walking over to Lister.

Lister looked up and half smiled. "Alright man, look sorry about the whole selfish me thing back there." Said Lister.

Rimmer sat down. "Hey it's OK, nothing the Cat or I would have not done, right Cat?" said Rimmer nudging the Cat who had spotted two females in the corner.

"Huh sure, I'd of sold you lot to the highest bidder if it saved my perfect arse." Said the Cat.

"Cheers guys that means a lot to me." Said Lister.

Rimmer noticed the younger Lister at the Bar downing pints. "You found him then." He said.

"Yep, didn't want to know, I didn't know I was such a smeghead." Said Lister.

Lister grinned. "Come on let's get out of here and have some fun."

Lister, Rimmer and the Cat got up and left the bar to find Kryten still sat in the reception.

"Ohhh sir, thank goodness we've found you, we were all very worried." Said Kryten looking pleased as punch.

"Save it Kryten, I know, you and Rimmer were trying to save your sorry arses." Said Lister.

"Oh sir please don't make me feel any guiltier, I've gone up three levels in guilt mode already today." Said Kryten.

Just then the bar door opened again and the younger Lister and his friends walked out.

"Alright granddad who are these guys?" he said looking at Rimmer, Kryten and the Cat.

Lister pointed to each. "This is Rimmer, he's a hologram, Kryten, Mechanoid and this here is the Cat, who's mutated from house cats."

The young Lister smiled. "Hey, you said you were alone, but looks to me like you have some crazy friends, a Robot that's cool, and I dig this dude treds man." He said pointing to the Cat.

"Hey what about me I'm a bit cool." Said Rimmer.

The young Lister looked at him. "Oh yeah, you look a real laugh." Then turning to Lister he asked. "He looks a bit of a smeghead or what?"

Lister laughed. "Yeah."

"Look me and the Lads are off to the next bar, but we've forgotten what's it meant to be. Do any of you guys know?" asked the younger Lister.

Kryten held out his map copy of the board and gave it to the younger Lister.

"Brutal man, we were going to have to go and buy one but not any longer." He turned to Lister.

"Listen I'll think about what you said and all, but it looks to me like you're pretty set up. If I was you I'd take my advice." Said the younger Lister.

"What's that?" asked Lister

The younger Lister had started to walk towards the exit turned and held up his middle finger in a mocking salute. "Spin on it!" and with that he left chuckling to himself in the only way Lister could.

"Smeghead!" Lister called after him.

"Write guys who's for a curry?" asked Lister.

"Oh no, the last time you got me to try one of your curries I was in hologram maintenance for a week." Said Rimmer.

"Yeah bud, your curries could be used as rocked fuel." Added the Cat.

"No guys, I mean one from here, I know this fantastic place down Brick Lane." Said Lister walking towards the exit.

"OK but you're paying." Said Rimmer.

* * *

As they walked down the road towards Brick Lane Rimmer noticed something odd happening to the Cats appearance. He was starting to look more and more see through; in fact he could definitely see though bits of him.

"Err what's happening to the Cat?" asked Rimmer.

The others turned to see the faint outline of the Cat and then watched as he blipped out of existence. Rimmer looked over at Kryten and noticed he two was starting to fade out of view.

"Sir, I don't feel so good?" said Kryten.

Lister and Rimmer watched as Kryten also disappeared. Rimmer looked down at his own arms and noticed they looked more see though than normal.

"Lister this is your fault. You've done this!" Said Rimmer accusingly.

"Done what?" asked Lister.

"It's your younger self, he must have changed things." Said Rimmer looking down at his torso. "Lister you goit, I'm fading from existence."

"But…" was all Lister could manage before Rimmer blipped to nothing.

Lister stood on the London Street alone, panic, guilt, sadness all raged through his veins. He sat down on the curb his head slumped into his hands. One of the many people walking by on the street took pity on him and tossed him a coin, it landed in front of him. Lister reached down and picked it up. Holding the small silver coin in his hand he looked at it without interest. As he gazed at the small coin he realised something was happening to his hands. Yes he was sure of it; they were definitely more see through, and now almost translucent. '_This is it, time is correcting its self.'_ Thought Lister.

Lister took one last look at his surroundings and he to faded away to nothing, while the silver coin fell to the floor and rolled away.

**Next time : It ends... the smeg it does!**


	6. Nothing to Everything

**Time to end another story, it's been a blast but the ride not over yet, let the final chapter commence.**

Chapter 6 – Nothing to everything.

Lister heard something, a tap, tap, tap sound. He opened his eyes and saw Rimmer grinning at him, his right foot tapping the deck.

"What the smeg happened man, I thought you had been erased man?" stated Lister.

"Well lucky for you Listy boy I'm not. It turns out that the Delta-sevens power finally gave out and in doing so each of us slowly faded from the connection to Earth."

"What so Kryten and the Cat are OK?" asked Lister.

Rimmer nodded. "Yes, yes, fine-de-roony, gone back to Red Dwarf already."

"And were still stuck in deep space?" asked Lister.

"Yep!" said Rimmer grinning.

Lister got up off his seat and stretched. "Right then, let's go and have that curry."

* * *

Back on Red Dwarf Lister shook huge quantities of curry powder into his mix. Behind him Holly faded onto the view screen.

"Alright Dave?" he asked.

"Yeah Hol, was good to see Earth again, but I wonder what did happen to the one from the future." Said Lister picking up a second packet of curry powder and opening it.

"Well if it's any consolation, the human race probably stuffed it up. I bet there isn't much to see even if you could go there." Said Holly chirpily.

"Cheers Hol, that helps a lot." Said Lister

"Oh there is one more thing." Said Holly remembering why he came to see Lister.

"Yeah what?" asked Lister while mixing his special batch together.

"There is someone to see you in the Drive room." Said Holly smiling.

"What, can't Rimmer wait until I've done this Holly?" said Lister.

"It's not Rimmer, or the others, it's someone special Dave." Said Holly still grinning.

Lister stopped his mixing and looked at Holly. "Who?"

"Just go and see Dave." Said Holly.

* * *

Lister stepped through the doors to the Drive room, on the far side of the room someone sat in the chair, their legs up on the console.

"Err hello?" called out Lister cautiously.

The figure slowly turned the chair round and watched as Listers jaw dropped to the floor.

"Kris?" said Lister after a moment.

"Yep." Said Kochanski.

"How?" asked Lister.

"Statis." Said Kochanski.

"What?" said Lister.

Kochanski could see this one word dialogue could go on for some time, she beckoned him over.

"Well, it turns out you're not as stupid as you thought Dave. Holly thinks that you must have told your younger self about the accident, and while you decided not to take your own advice on getting blind drunk you did decide to save me." She said looking at him who was clearly still in some shock.

"Wow, this is pretty cool." Said Lister.

Kris nodded. "Yeah it is."

"What so you're OK with being stuck 3 millions years into deep space with me, Kryten the Cat?" asked Lister hoping that the answer was yes.

"Well it's going to take some getting used to but at least I am alive, thanks to you. Now come here and give me a hug, it's been 3 million years to long." Said Kris getting up and holding out her open arms.

Lister wasted no time crossing the room and embracing his Kristine Kochanski her pin ball smile beckoning him across the space between them.

After a short while he pulled away slightly from the embrace and looked into her face. Quietly he asked. "But what about Todd Hunter?"

She smiled at him. "Ancient history." And with that the two of them held each other tight and Lister knew for the first time in a very long time he was not alone anymore.

The End

**OK so it's a bit of a soppy ending but I felt it was about time Lister got his girl. I know there are a few blips in the time-line here and there, does this mean there are two KKs in this reality? Who knows, frankly I doubt right now Lister cares.**

**Hope you enjoyed the ride. See you again soon. Andy**


End file.
